So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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