I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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