My hand turned me down
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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