I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
