It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
