I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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