I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
