your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
