It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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