I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
