dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
BRING THE BAGELS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
