Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Randomize
