I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You ruined the universe
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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