I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
