how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
