if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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