and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
