you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
