I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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