my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Farmville is her only friend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
