i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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