you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
