Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
