my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
