i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
