what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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