I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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