Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
