I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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