Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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