She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sober January is a disaster.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
