pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I could make wine with my vomit
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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