Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
