eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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