i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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