I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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