Where are you?
In a non slutty way
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I could fuck to npr.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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