His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My balls are so social today.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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