I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Operation Purity has been aborted
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
