You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
