return my video game
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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