does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
