she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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