If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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