Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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