I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
