I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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