You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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