We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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