I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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