I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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