I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
